Love until it hurts

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, then there can be no more hurt, only love."  --Saint Teresa of Calcutta

The first time I read that quote, I thought it sounded beautiful.  Like, if I invested enough of myself into someone else and loved them deeply enough, I could transcend to this mystical state of being where nothing could hurt me anymore.  Or maybe God would somehow reward me with a life free of pain, at least when it comes to the people I love that fiercely.

But, the more I love people, the more I'm finding that that's simply not true.  Things still hurt.  I am investing my life into the kids and staff here at the Tania Centre, but times are still hard.  The food storage room still goes empty from time to time.  We still stress about where we'll get the money to pay the electric bill.  Our teaching staff is still in constant flux, so our students still don't get as much consistency as they should from term to term.  The children still have hurts in their lives, people we know and love still get sick and die.  I still have personal hurts--I miss the people I love back home, I miss the food, I miss the illusion of control over my life.  I come down with malaria, I deal with cars that don't work, I deal with students who don't do work.

I have loved and it hurts.  But the hurt doesn't magically go away.  God doesn't look at me and say "Wow, Beth is doing a great job loving those kids!  Time to make sure she's good and comfortable for the rest of her time in Kenya!"  The hurts are still there.  They don't go away.

But, the more I pour out myself, the more I see that those hurts aren't just hurts--they become something more.  I could go live somewhere away from my family and friends, and it would hurt to miss them, but when I go to live away from my family and friends out of love, the hurt that I feel becomes an act of love.  I could stop eating my favorite foods, or move somewhere that doesn't have my favorite foods, but when I move somewhere that doesn't have my favorite foods out of love, the discomfort of eating unfamiliar foods for months and months becomes an act of love.  I could get sick anywhere, but when I get sick because I moved to a malaria-endemic country out of love, the pain of the illness becomes an act of love.

Pain without a purpose is just pain.  But pain that comes as a result of love, while it remains painful, becomes something more.  It becomes a thing of beauty.  And it is no longer hurt, it is love.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."  --John 15:13