Today, I don't feel like I have a lot of answers, and the questions fill me more with regret than anticipation. And I feel like you should know I have days where I feel like this, too. So, even though it's a bit of a downer, I'll still share my heart with you today.
Making such a big decision, to move to Kenya, has brought into sharp contrast all of the other paths down which I could have taken my life. The different people I could know, the different places I could have gone, the different lives I could have lived. I'm sure most people have thoughts like this at one point or another, but I wasn't prepared to feel this way.
I know how I'm supposed to feel--I should feel at peace, and I should feel secure knowing that I'm following God's path for my life. God wants what's best for me even more than I do. So how could I not be happy about following him where he calls me?
Yet I still feel a need to mourn my lives that might have been. The life I could have had if I'd moved there, or lived a slightly different lifestyle, or stayed with that person, or went to this college. If I'd done any number of things differently, I would not be where I am now. And though I know that God's plan is always so much better than mine, a part of me still wonders if I would have been happier had things turned out differently.
So I'm praying now, not just to prepare me for my move to Kenya, but also for the peace that God promised us as I grieve for what never can be. And I want to be real with you, my friends: I am so, so excited to be moving to Kenya. I can't wait to hold my babies over there and spend every day showing them how much God loves them. But it is hard, too.
I have this hanging on the wall in my bedroom, and I think I'll take with me to Kenya, as I'm sure I'll need the reminder from time to time:
